We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.