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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I鈥檒l try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren鈥檛 designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you鈥檙e welcome to come over and use my grill.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn鈥檛
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Please don鈥檛 tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My wife: I know it鈥檚 cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife鈥檚 hand in mine* Be safe out there鈥鈥檒l watch the kids
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The clearest evidence that I鈥檝e gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.