Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.