Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
this will hang in the louvre one day
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
This is hilarious….
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*