I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I beg your pardon?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
What my back needs
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me