I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
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I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
How to properly lift a body
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.