Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Life hack
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain