Why is no one talking about this?!
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
shampoo implies shampee
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?