Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet