John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
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Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
girls literally only want one thing..
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you