gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
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Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.