This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Nomnomnomnom
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys