What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
*me flirting
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”