the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away