Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it