Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.