Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You Might Also Like
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
incredible book dedication
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up