Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
No way!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her