Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.