parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Schrödinger’s cookie
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
philosophical skeletons be like
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody