Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Going to church you guys need anything
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs