[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
You Might Also Like
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell