I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
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Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.