Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: