Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
bout dat hot dog summer
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.