My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Yes
🤣😂
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?