Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it