No one told me my life would become so much googling it
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
consequences, the bane of my existence