MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
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Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture