You Might Also Like
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones