I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Effort made
The 6 types of sex
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.