My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!