I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
You Might Also Like
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Haha good job!!
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.