Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.