Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I’m giving up ice.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate