At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time