[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
fired
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?