My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.