going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
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I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason