If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.