Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
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Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4