Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time