You Might Also Like
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Woke up against my better judgement again
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.