I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
“i miss shittin on people”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Got him!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one