INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.