I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
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This checks out
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Yup.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are