*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
You Might Also Like
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan