When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
house sitting!
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you