How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
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Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
What even happened today?
lmfao come on
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …