me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
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Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob